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moltingangel [userpic]

Work Stress

September 2nd, 2007 (05:08 pm)

I put an application in a Nordstrom.  God I hope that pans out.  Everyday I go back to Best Buy I feel like people are now babsitting me and over me for Kris.  It could be because I went without working with my manager for a month, but I really feel like I somehow utterly fucked up and she hasn't got the heart to tell me.

I honestly feel like I've been working my ass off for about nothing.

Kris' work goal for me is to do things without asking her, aka leave her alone and if I fuck up she'll fix it.  That goes really against what I was always taught, which was to ask questions, get a good start and learn from what you did, and be there to learn from your mistakes, and you'll be able to perfom from then on.

It's as if I need to teach myself or die trying.  A lot of things I need to "learn" on my own is installing functioning displays, complicated fixtures, wiring, some programming of devices.  bullshit. fucking bullshit.

I hate how this has been affecting me, and in turn it's been exponetially affecting my relationship.  The one thing that has kept me happy in spite of all this shit has taken a beating, and that in turn has made me feel worse, I feel like I can't even keep a person that already loves me happy any more.  And it just cycles from there.

I just want to be happy.  I want to be together.  And thosse must go hand in hand.

I need cuddle time... damnit.

moltingangel [userpic]

>Za is <she can handle

July 4th, 2007 (02:10 pm)
aggravated

current mood: aggravated

I think I'm just an attention whore and when I don't think I'm getting what I justly deserve I tend to be pouty and sometimes even manipulative.  Wow it's getting to the point where I'm getting past this self loathing shit and am seeing myself as just a bitch at times. UGH. 
I've tried the being pretty thing (only thing i actively know how to do).
I've tried being the extra sexy thing.
I've tried the awesome/geeky gifts thing.
Even the cooking, going out of my way, and back rubs thing.
I guess now I'm doing the "I give up and can snap at any moment thing" (as unfair as it is).

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Other than that melodarmatic confession, I saw Transformers, it was pretty rad.
I bought 2/3 of the series Gunslinger Girl.
I have tomarrow off, think I might re-dye my hair and try to get out and do something.

moltingangel [userpic]

Moving Up in Life

May 21st, 2007 (03:51 pm)

So Dave is almost definately moving to Home Theatre.  I told Kris that I would be interested in filling out a JOS application and she said that she would deffinately be interested.  Today Dave told me that he strongly recommended me for his full time possition to Kris.  That says a lot, he does more and knows more than the whole Merch Team combined.  I think I honestly have a shot now.

This means I will probably end up moving out before the year is out if things go my way.

Yay.

moltingangel [userpic]

Head Aches and Hand Granades

May 2nd, 2007 (02:11 pm)
confused

current location: comfy comfy bed that smells like kent
current mood: there was no lay down and die
current song: SILENCE

So far today pretty much sucked.  I got a really horrible migrane at work.  I was the only one from Merch there all day and there was a shitton of signs and downstocking to be done.  So I stuck it out.

On a far far lighter note, I can rest easy now that i know that my current grade in Human Bio (the class i thought i was doing the shittiest in) is THE highest in the class = A-!!!!!

I just want to see and snuggle Kent tonight and then my day will be awsome (after some sleep of course).

moltingangel [userpic]

WorldWarMe

May 1st, 2007 (12:33 pm)
energetic

current location: School (bah!)
current mood: relentless
current song: n/a

A lot of things have happened.  I have gotten a new car, took out my first real loan, am close to having my 1st year anniersary with Kent, toyed with moving out, got substantial hours at a job that I can deal with and most of the time I love.

I know things are just going to keep pilin gon and that's scary.  but I've decided that I'm going to take it all on and then some.  I'm not going to let my life take me off guard, and I'm sure as hell going to like it.  I will do things that I want to do now, and make all the time I want and need for myself.  I know that I'm losing friends right now just due to lack of communication and loss of commonalities.

Some of those I know I just have to accept and move on, others I will try and salvage.

I'm going to work to make myself the person who I want to be.  How I want to look. What I want to be. Where I want to go. And all the pie I want to eat :)

I refuse to feel like a bystander in my own life.  And I hope those that I hold close will support me.

It's time for some changes in my attitude and how I take care of myself.

At least that's a start.

PS Magical Star Sign is addicting, and I blame Kent (in a good way :))

moltingangel [userpic]

Rainy Thursdays

April 26th, 2007 (09:33 am)
distressed

current location: Utter Pandimonium
current mood: distressed
current song: "Enjoy the Abuse" -Combichirst

Supposed to be in Basic Reasoning right now.  I left my paper at home (such a pure blonde moment, I printed it out before I let, but forgot to grab it from the tray) so he let me go home and get it and come to a class later in the afternoon to get my 1st draft critiqued.  Although he seemed a little annoyed (probably not as much as I was for asking him for a favor) he let me leave right away and told me if I wanted all my points (which I desperately need) that I could show up for the 1:00pm class and I'd be able to leave in time for my Biology class.

Ugh.  I just want to go home.  Maybe do a little cleaning, and snuggle with Kent.

moltingangel [userpic]

Midterm Trauma

March 20th, 2007 (10:01 am)
determined

current location: School
current mood: determined
current song: "Tetnus Shot" -Tsunami Bomb

I passed my Basic Reasoning midterm, WITH A B-!  YAY!  I studied my ass off for that.

moltingangel [userpic]

Pathetic

March 16th, 2007 (11:52 pm)
nerdy

current mood: nerdy

So what am I doing (well besides the obvious blogging/bitching)?

Playing Fish Tycoon (real time), drinking tea, and being pouty.

I get to get up at 6:45am tomorrow to go sleep in my mom's bed because a wall is going up in my room to give me an actual closet.

Then I work 3:00pm-11:00pm.  Fan-fucking-tabulous.

And the only to work 12:00pm-8:00pm on Sunday.

BLARGH!

moltingangel [userpic]

Sick Day

March 16th, 2007 (06:03 pm)
sick

current mood: sick
current song: VNV Nation

Today has been so mixed up.

Constantly up and down.

I didn't sleep worth anything last night. But then I found the ring, the most important ring, under the couch after more than a week. I was so relieved and I felt so much better besides the achiness, and slight head ache.

I got to work early and talked to Hanna and Lee.  Then in the morning meeting it was annoced that we probably (99%) sure that no one in the district was getting a bonus this year, then we might participate in a test were the front lanes don't sell magazines, and THEN we were in formed that we better be no less than perfect because the district manager will be observing all day.  Oh did I mention that I was the only one on lanes until 12:00pm with only partial coverage from Customer Service?

I started feeling even crappier around 10:00am.  I got a mag. out infront of the District manager and hit 100% of the PRP/PSP's that came through my line.

I puked in the bathroom sink at about 10:30am.  Started shaking and felt light headed.  I don't know whether I'm sick sick, or possibly had a panic attack, or both.

Before I left I got to talk to Kris about joining the Merch Team and she was very interested and had mentioned that she had heard that I was interested and had already had me on her "mental list."  Though on a sour note I have to wait at the very least another we to just fill out a JOS application because our store is in a hiring freeze. An even if I am moved after that It could take up to a month to kick in.

I came home at around noon, and slept until a little before 4:00pm.

I'm pretty fucking lonely right now, but I wouldn't want to risk anyone possibly getting sick.

How passive agressive of me eh?

ugh

moltingangel [userpic]

Sunrise

April 30th, 2006 (09:34 pm)
touched

current location: bedroom
current mood: touched
current song: "Clark Gable" -The Postal Service

the rain pelted the car roof as he handed her a cigarette. she looked down trying concentrate on something concrete as she took his offering to her lips. why this sudden bout of fearlessness? she looked up at him not wavering, waiting in anticipation to what he would say next. what would she say next? she was already dumbfounded about what words had already disgraced her coy and elegant facade, but never the less he was still there, as diligent and pristine as she could have ever hoped.

lately i've had my doubts about the human race concerning honesty, morality, and just the complex to have a decent (sometimes indecent) conversation.

"...that I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie..."

there are nights that pass by like movies, images and feelings too good to be unscripited. there were moments where i wasnt sure if they were just my imagination, like a clever day dream from lack of sleep, or if they were something else, some quirky connection. i guess it's less unsettling to think that i'm just insane and like to make up things in my head to feel something else for a change, but i know better.

we talked until the sun came up, and even then i felt like i had more to say, about anything. it's nice to meet an actual human being for once, with real thoughts, opinions, and raw emotions, even pain. stark and ridiculous honesty, that caught me off guard, especially when i'm at my most vulnerable. i told him things that even surprised me, and it's getting quite hard to surprise myself lately.

i collapsed at 6:13am, and slept better than i had in weeks.

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